I Adore Reality Television

I am obsessed with reality television. Most gay men I know love this particular brand of TV and a great deal of my female hoes/bitches/hags/"girlfriends" (if you want to be tame) do as well. On Sunday morning, I am more than likely hungover, resting on my couch with nothing but a big ass jug of water and an 8 hour marathon of "The Real Housewives of New York City" (RAMONA, I HATE YOU).



I've actually been thinking about this a lot recently....in terms of actual shows I try to catch on TV when it airs versus watching at my leisure online, I will always try to catch my reality television when it airs. At any given point in the year, I will be parked in front of the screen for "Jersey Shore," "Rupaul's Drag Race" (including "Rupaul's Drag Race: UNTUCKED" DUH), "The Real World" (hello, secret gay-porn past Dustin Zito whom I actually remember from my own midnight internet viewings! I loved your storyline this year because I actually ended up hating you and ur odd homophobia)....

but sike, i still watch you sometimes.....not on "The Real World" tho.....


....(cont)"So You Think You Can Dance?" (FUCK YOU MIA MICHAELS!), every single "Kardashian" show......seriously, the list is endless. If you are a show that could easily fit into the Bravo lineup, I probably watch you. And the great thing about "The Real Housewives of (insert city)" is that it airs all year long! OH THANK YOU, ENDLESS REVOLVING DOOR OF TERRIBLY INSIPID RICH HOUSEWIVES FOR ME TO FALL IN HATE/LOVE WITH!


(The Bethenny-Jill feud will forever be one of my ultimate favorite feuds in television HISTORY. Fuck you, Jill. jealous bitch.)

With that....let's talk about just a few of these favorite reality-shows/shitshows of mine.



Rupaul's Drag Race:

I think this might be my favorite reality show of all time. Rupaul? check. Insanely catty queens who all actually hate eachother and throw extreme shade? check. Being unable to hear the word "tucking" anymore without immediately thinking of a drag queen duct-taping his junk between his legs? CHECK CHECK CHECK CHECK CHECK! And who can forget the LIP SYNCH FOR YOUR LIFE! I was in tears from laughter at the first lip-synch for your life I ever saw....but fast forward two years later and I analyze these damn lip-synchs like they're the most serious thing in the world. (I still proclaim Manila Luzon had the BEST ONE I HAVE EVER SEEN! and I am completely unashamed to say this.)


(just a snippet from her ICONIC lip-synch)


During the final announcement as to who was going home, Rupaul would announce "Sashay away" and "Shante, you stay"....so gay. this show was simply meant for me. It's obnoxious, it's stupid most of the time, and it is 100% addictive. THANK YOU RUPAUL!






The Kardashian EMPIRE:



Honestly, I don't even know how to explain this. I remember when the show started, and just like everyone else, I was wondering "Who the fuck is Kim Kardashian?", followed by me immediately watching her sex tape (YOU GIVE A COMMENDABLE BLOWJOB, KIM! i give you 3/4 stars) and then ending with me wondering who gave a shit about her family? But once I tuned in, I FELL IN LOVE! I absolutely adore watching this family. There is something about the intrinsically genuine dynamic between each of them..THEY HAVE THEIR TROUBLES, THEY HAVE THEIR RELATIONSHIPS, THEY LOVE EACHOTHER! I'm a sucker for that shit. And who can forget Kourtney pulling out her own damn baby from her vagina when giving birth, like she was just picking up a head of lettuce from the grocery. "Oh, yes. I will take this one I think." It didn't phase her at all, and America was amazed.

Khloe is the bitch I would be best friends with. Kim is the sexy girl I would drunkenly fawn over about how beautiful she was but I would know she has nothing engaging to say. Rob, I am secretly slash not so secretly in love with. Bruce's face terrifies me. Kris is a hilarious stage mom, (this most recent revelation of her wanting to change her last name back to Kardashian? KILL ME, this is great television.) And have you SEEN that young Kendall Jenner? Sorry to her less attractive sister Kylie, but she is THE BOMB DOT COM. I can't wait for her to become a budding socialite and a true contribution to the Kardashian family franchise.






EVERY SINGLE "REAL HOUSEWIVES OF....":

There has not been a "Real Housewives of...." that I haven't loved. Even D.C., though it was canceled, was splendid. There will never be a couple as delusional as the Salahi's on television or at a White House state dinner. Plus, with D.C. being so near and dear to my heart, I of course loved it right off the bat. But obviously, D.C. can not hold a candle to some of the other "Real Housewives"....my absolutely favorite is New Jersey, of course. DANIELLE STAUB, HOW I HATED YOU WITH A BURNING PASSION! It wasn't even the kind of hate I have for certain reality show stars, where I actually secretly crave seeing them on television. Danielle Staub was actually the most reprehensible person I've ever seen on any show.

Who can forget her amazingly disgusting sex tape that she released herself? Oh this woman was awful, and I was only ecstatic when she was fired from the show.


(note: I just rewatched a bit of this tape and puked a little in my mouth)


The current season of "New Jersey"...I'm addicted. All of the Guidice-Gorga drama? I love it, because it's absolutely intriguing to watch two equally stupid people (Teresa and her brother) butt heads and refuse to accept that they're actually both just retarded. I don't even think they know why they're fighting anymore. It's just amazing to watch somehow-wealthy, idiotic Italians fight about children's birthday cards.


Bad Girls Club



I will end all of this, with a show that pretty much sums up all my reasons for liking the previous shows....dumb, catty bitches who get drunk and fight for no reason. THANK YOU OXYGEN FOR THIS GOLDEN GEM OF TELEVISION!

How could anyone NOT love this show? Within the first episode, there is guaranteed to be someone leaving for good, someone getting bitch-slapped/hair pulled, EVERYONE getting drunk, and someone trying to proclaim themselves as the HBIC over other bitches that are either eager to let them or are just as eager to REFUSE to let it happen. I love this show....I'm not a particularly catty gay man (sike, maybe I am), but I love being able to see these bitches act completely unabashed and unashamed with no filter.

This past season my absolute favorite castmember was Nikki.



Nikki looked like a prematurely birthed cabbage patch kid, who was for some reason injected with an intense amount of steroids. "BRO" was her favorite word, and she was one of the most obnoxious human beings I have ever seen. When she put on a dress, she looked a linebacker in drag (this happened in one of the most recent "Rupaul's Drag Races," actually...) I FELL IN LOVE WITH HER! Never before had someone been so universally hated by people in the house. She had one lackey, Lauren, who actually ended up betraying her and becoming a bitch to someone else. But Nikki KEPT IT REAL, BRO! She continued to steal people's shit and annoy them to no end, and I adored her through it all.

The other equally infamous person this past season was Char, who I hated so much I won't even post the bitch's picture (wait, I already did in the cast shot...DAMN. whatever, she's the one in the center with the Satan face.) Her biggest contribution to my pop-culture lexicon was "FLIP IT, THEN ROTATE IT!" which to this day, I'm still pretty sure makes no sense. Something about stopping what you're doing and backtracking....but if you flip something then rotate it, I think it's just upside down; logical fallacy.

______________________________________

SO yes, I have rambled on and on about a few of my favorite reality shows. But seriously, I could write a full paper on this. I love reality television. Heidi Klum and Project Runway? I love her Arnold Schwarzenegger voice. The Jersey Shore? Snookie is my favorite alcoholic little nugget. Toddlers and Tiaras?! WHAT IS THERE NOT TO LOVE ABOUT STAGE MOMS PARADING THEIR CHILDREN AROUND LIKE CRACKED OUT BARBIES!




THANK GOODNESS there's an episode of "Rupaul's Drag Race: Untucked" on right now. Even after writing so much about this genre....I crave more.

Gay Men Like Musicals.....whoda thunk it.

This post won't be very long....I like big voiced, iconic, belting Broadway women. I know way too much information about Barbra Streisand and Judy Garland and follow Barbra's history like my life depends on it....gaynoxious.

So I would naturally be one of the first people to dislike Lea Michele from "Glee" since she is clearly all up in Barb's vajayjay trying to become her....but I actually love her. LOVE her.

Her voice does not have the power that Barbra's does....but her range is outstanding, and her voice is so effortlessly clear that it really becomes iconic in its own right. Her "Papa Can You Hear Me" rivals Barbra's. She so obviously wants to be the new Barbra Streisand with having Glee give her as many Barbra songs as possible (and this all because Funny Girl is being revived on broadway and she is the clear frontrunner in terms of her notoriety, comparisons with Barbra, and the fact that ticket sales would go through the roof with gleeks.)

I'm all for it. I love Barbra Streisand, but I love emerging icons too. A gay man can never have too many gay icons.

Barbra Streisand did the vocals for this scene ("My Man" from "Funny Girl") live cuz she hates lip synching as she thinks you can't get the most emotion when lip synching, and a lot of people say it's what clinched her first Oscar.

Check out this audio of Lea singing the same song at a benefit a year ago. Really impressive. There are such obvious hopes for there to be a movie version of this down the line, after the Broadway revival. Lea is the CLEAR choice for it all to be successful....I can so see it.

This was just a gay man dropping some gay knowledge. A lack of my snap-crackle-pop sassafrass just cuz I wanted to make sure you knew I meant BIZNESS gurl.

But in other news Pumkin from "Flavor of Love" and Dunbarr from "Real World" are on this Playboy hardcore-graphic sex reality show called Foursome.....oh nooooo. baby boo, you aren't gonna be asked back to The Challenge....something tells me.

http://unratedperez.com/2010-10-05-the_real_worlds_dunbar_flinn_appears_on_playboys_foursome

O and Pumkin is clearly going to be lamesauce squared in the show. I hope there are arguments over who gets to give who a blowjob! I wish I had Playboy Channel now.

The Fag to Hag Dynamic

Okay, this is a subject that's been toiling around in my head for quite some time.

"THE FAG AND THE HAG: A Love Story"

The Fag to Hag, Homo to Honey, Fairy to Godmother relationship is very real. It's a MAGICAL fucking relationship. It's not always like what is portrayed on t.v and movies though....in gay cinema (yes, gay cinema exists) they usually show some fat and uggles social outcast woman who all the gays seem to LOOOVE for whatever reason!!! Like Beth Ditto.

Sike you know I love me some Miss Piggy....but foreal, no thanks to uggles hags. I prefer my girls to be gorgeous with nice boobs. On T.V. its a little better....but way, way extreme. Like Jack and Karen on Will and Grace? (Not Will and Grace, because they've gotta be the most annoying tv pair I've ever seen. Refuse to count them as a true fag hag pair.) Jack and Karen, however, they're sassy....Jack loves Karen's boobs....they both adore men equally....sounds almost right.

There is something about a straight woman and a gay man that just meshes well....better than gay / gay, and straight girl /straight girl, certainly.

Now...I DO have some gay friends that I adore, but it's few. So my friendships with these guys are an exception.....I know tons of gay guys but am only friends with a few. Why is that? a few reasons....

one: gay men seem to always either wanna have sex with eachother or are avoiding the fuggle fags hitting on them as much as possible, so that's a weird relationship. And indeed, most of my gay friends I've hooked up with....what an icebreaker!!

two: gay men can annoy eachother. Whether it's one-upping in sassiness or what...I don't know. It's just true. Back down, honey. This is my spotlight.

Straight women with other straight women...that's worth a blog post all on its own. But to save time...girls seem to either hate each other, pretend to love each other, or genuinely like eachother but will ABSOLUTELY talk about the other girl behind her back to let off steam. You won't see this with straight guys...they don't gossip about their guy friend's like it's fucking TMZ. Obviously these things don't relate to all girls...but the kind of girls who end up as fag hags? Absolutely. There's a reason they go homo.

Now onto the true topic....the fag and the hag.

Oh! What a splendid pair it makes! I've thought of a few main reasons as to why it works so well...here we go:

No competition:

There is no competition between a gay guy and a straight girl. The kind of sassy gals I hang with, competition is a natural part of our way of life....even if we don't see it that way.

Girl going out to a party:

"Gotta make sure I'm dressed better than the other girls there...make sure my boobs look nice.."....or...

"I like this guy but that other skank is sleezing all over him...bitch"

"Looks" competition and sexual competition....it's survival of the fittest, yall!!

But with ur fag by your side....it's all better.

"Bitch, you look HOT tonight!"....

"Gurl, your boobs are amazing. love"....or...

"Whatever, fuck that ho. She's got massive cameltoe anyway...."

Your gay will be there to support you in the most complimentary or catty way possible, whichever way is most helpful. If you're at a party or a club, sure you may both think a guy is cute...but once you find out he's straight or gay, one of you will politefully back down like it was a legal agreement.

And it's all the same with the hag for the fag, too. The gay guy feels like he can feel hot and sexy when he's hanging out with his gal and not have to worry about who looks better. It's extremely comforting.

Honest Sex Talk:

I have some girls that try to keep hum around friends about their sex lives...or even if they SEEM like they're being totally open, it's only once they're alone with me later that I find out what freaky shit the bitch is up to. Why is this? I think the main reason is they think they don't have to feel like a slut around a gay dude. If you've read my last entry, you can already see how I fare in the sex department....so when my gals, or even NEW gals bring up sex with me, I feel like they must envision me doing the most depraved shit ever or something, so it must be all milk and honey to me.... WHATEVS, they just know they can trust a gay dude. Even if a particular gay dude isn't a slut, he probably has the potential to be and all sex talk is fair game.

The Hag Should Be a Fag:

This one is so legit, people. A real fag hag? The sassy bitch that loves sex just as much as I do, reads gossip magazines, and watches reality tv?....she could easily sub for me one day as a gay man. A true hag, in another life, would be the sassiest of gay men. The club hoppinest of gay men....the sluttiest of gay men. And I think a real fag hag reading this, would take that as a compliment...I'm thinking of a few I know who probably do.

For the gay dude...it's almost like having a gay best friend, but she's got knockers and won't get other guys to look away from him at the club. It's great.

Gay Men Love Divas:

I ADORE WOMEN! Obviously, there's something within gay men about women. Our non-sexual adoration for divas....that makes us flock to women. For me, a sassy beautiful woman that dresses well and has great boobs? It's almost like I get to hang with Beyoncé, whom I and most gay men adore.

Obviously, there are other pop icons, etc.., but wutever, this is my blog and I wanted to put some attention on Beyoncé.

Gay men will recite all the lyrics to Madonna's "Vogue", cut a rug to "Single Ladies", and go apeshit for Britney's "Toxic" on the dancefloor, but we will never get to hang with these icons. But we CAN surround ourselves with other beautiful women and admire their diva selves. Close enough, bitch. Put on that tight dress and lip synch to "Halo," and I will adore you.

Ahh....fag hags. Gotta love 'em. I feel sorry for friends of mine who don't know this unique relationship and never will....sux 4 u. This pretty much sums it up pretty well:

(ALSO. I got a few people that verbalized their being upset at my last post because it was SO NOT THEIR WAY OF LIFE! Okay ho, I realize this ain't your way of life since all you have written in your Religious Views on facebook is "JESUS"...i get the point. Don't read it then. This is clearly an alternative to your jesusfish self. And I also realize this isn't how every gay guy is...or every fag hag....but its how most of the fierce ones are so...."to the left.")

The Magic Number

I've had quite a few drunk convosayshuns where people have asked me how many people I've had sex with.....apparently, some people wonder if I'm a ho or something. Preposterous notion. But anyway, I rarely tell the truth UNLESS I know them well or feel like drunk-bragging. But it's got me to thinking about this "magic number"....what's the big deal?

Depending on your lack of sex/abundance of sex, the number can be embarrassing. And by "sex" I mean at least some mouth to genital resuscitation. Hand-stuff can be done on any dancefloor. Let's start with the low number analysis....

Okay, at my age of 22, if you tell me you've had sex with "1" person and you HAVEN'T been in a serious relationship for years, then something is wrong with you. You either have some weird fetish or your social interactions probably end with people thinking you're weirdsauce.

"2"....okay. I suppose that's not horribly embarrassing. Maybe you were in a relationship for a while or something...or maybe you just aren't into hookups...or maybe you're still weird. Probably the latter.

"3-5"...I think this is "normal" territory. Normal as in....you probably aren't into hooking up that much, and you can't be fuggles.

However if you've only had sex with three people, and you've been on the prowl every weekend for years....come on, you know you look like the children on HBO's "Hung."

"6-10" is like...what people would see as a normal sex life, I think. I think it's when you start needing to add more hands into the equation that it moves into the prude's judgment of "slut" territory, and you start wondering if you need to lie about how many people you've had sex with.

Here's some gay man reactions to some of these numbers:

11-15...."okay, get it gurr!"....

16-20...."well that's alright, you can teach me a thing or two about a thing or two!".....

21-25..."listen bitch, maybe you need to slow down a bit"....

26-30...."Ho! close up shop. Ain't no need to be a revolving door".....

31 and up..."gurl...you wanna go get tested together? Shit, I'll even pay if you ain't got insurance."

I know my magic number...let's just say it's sittin'-pretty somewhere in my gay man's reactions. you don't need to know all my business, yall. One girl I told gave me a polite nod where I could see the word "slut" replaying in her mind over and over. Wutever bitch, u look like Susan Boyle.

The point is....a number is just a number. Just Do You. If you like sex, then fuck away! And if you've been in a relationship forever, then don't pass judgment on us single folk. Nothing is more annoying than a self righteous girl/boyfriend. And if you just happen to be a swamp creature who wishes they could have my number, ain't no need to hate.

(I enjoy having a blog. More to come.)